The Game

He reaches out
She cowers and stumbles
He quickly grabs both her hands pulling her into his arms
She feels a chill run down her spine
He breathes down her neckline
She struggles to escape
His hands cold, his grip tightens
“look at me” a harsh whisper escapes his lips
Trembling and gasping for air she meets his eyes
“You will be the death of me” her mind screams but her eyes refused to move from his face
A cold smile shapes on his deformed face knowing he had won
She feels the world spinning around her, “please don’t” she begs
The glistening predator eyes raked over her body
He fingers trace the mark – his mark
He travels from the puffy cheeks to the swan neck
She has gone too far again, too far to stop this
She despises her weaknesses, her body is on fire
Like a fish out of water she reaches out to him to save her
He knows what she needs but he loves to see her wither
She knows he will pick her apart like a porcelain doll
She whimpers, he laughs
She gropes as she falls on the floor
He enjoys this just as much as his last whisky shot at the bar every night
She says what he wants to hear “pleee..please”
He bends down and viciously claims what was his all along.
Her

Welcome to Hell

Imagine being locked up in a cellar. Imagine screaming for help till your throat is hoarse, till you’re out of breath, till your tongue is dry and your inside feels like it’s on fire, a fire that will consume you forever. Imagine the cold dread settling inside your stomach, like making a home there, spreading its roots within you, wrapping it’s branches around your throat, tightening the knot with each passing second. Imagine scars on your skin, red, ugly marks burning holes, imprinting on your skin the mistakes you have made. Each mark a deeper shade of red taunting you, mocking you. Imagine your body withering away, the horror of watching yourself fall apart.

Imagine trying to reach out for sanity but crashing into walls fumbling in the dark. Imagine missing a step and falling in a basement, a hundred feet down not having the light to come back up. Imagine trying to find semblance but realizing you have gone too far deep to come out. Imagine living each moment burdened with uncertainty and failures. Imagine losing your ability to vocalize what you feel, succumbing to the cold around as you close our eyes as it is oh so much easier than to fight. Imagine knowing that the only way to survive is to stop running from the real you and letting it settle in your veins, in your blood, in your bones, in every inch and in every breadth of your life even when you know you will destroy yourself.

Now imagine waking up day after day and smiling for the world.

Eternally Crimson

He was restless tonight
His feet glided in the snow as he zigzagged across the woods
His eyes searched, a maddening gleam scaring anything that came across his path
He let out a snarl and ripped apart a deer that stood in his way
His teeth glistened like the moon above
Madness, her words echoed

Tonight when darkness called upon him, he answered
There was a stillness in the air, the forest two shades darker
The snow covered in a red blanket
A heavy heart and vengeful thoughts
For he had lost what he treasured most
Madness, her words echoed

He was as cold as the snow, as fierce as the cyclone
He was ruthless and feared, he was destruction and a havoc
He was the last goodbye and the kiss of death
He was eternal, forever trapped
She found him
Madness, her words echoed

Her bloody and disfigured body, forever etched across his mind
He let out a howl, he felt the ground move beneath his paws
he heard the leaves rustle and the trees cower
Tonight the town will bleed red, he vowed
His watcher was gone, his ageless defiant ‘Raven’ was gone
Madness, her word echoed

She was the escape he needed, the semblance he craved for, the sanity he never had
She was the calm and the warmth, she was his heart
She warned him of his madness and his thirst for blood
They came for her and took his world
His eyes hollow and empty, had a distant look
Madness, her words echoed

Another howl thundered across the forest, the world stopped
His madness unleashed tonight, he decided to be a riot
The river transformed to crimson, chilling screams echoed from afar
The winds laden with the smell of copper, unsettled and lost
His silhouette shadow disappeared in to the darkness,
Forever, will the world remember his wrath.
Madness, her words echoed

Infinitely inadequate

She stared in the mirror and hated what she saw, she traced her thin long fingers over her heart shaped face; the perfect cheekbones, those sweeping eye lashes just rightly curved over her ocean like eyes. Her lips bruised and torn, reminded her of the many who had walked in and out of her life and she exhaled a quick shaky breath and shook her head.

“Inadequate” the word seem to have found the perfect permanent spot in her head. She forced herself to stare at the stranger in the mirror and feel something for the person staring back, anything but all she felt was emptiness and a dull ache of the beating heart. A dead beating heart. How long, she wondered, how long had it been since she last saw daylight. She wondered what the sun looked like now, did it look brighter today? Did it look shinier now that she wasn’t out stealing its thunder? Was it warmer now that she was inside?

Everything felt cold and dark and just right. Today seemed like a good day to die, she thought and then shook her head in disdain. Every day felt like a good day to die but she was a coward, an insult to everything she believed, she knew how the world looked at her, how men looked at her.

She was all that was pretty and all that was hated. Her whole life was a series of lies, weaved to perfection, one after another. Her lips spoke words men wanted to hear, her fingers traced their bodies inciting them, like places to be explored and cherished. She read them like she read books, she looked at them like she looked at the sky, she was all the dirty little things you couldn’t have.

A hopeless hysterical laugh escaped her throat and her glistening golden locks seemed to dance over her shoulders as her body convulsed. “Inadequate” She snorted. She was what nightmares were made of; She was the ugly hundred years old tree with no leaves yet which refused to fall, the chilling cold winter breeze which tore people apart, the fire that destroyed homes, the last few pages of a diary which nobody wanted to use, the painting which was never bought, the disposable to be thrown off once used.

The shrill voice of the doorbell brought her back to her senses; she looked in the mirror and decided today she would be Cara, yes. What a pretty little name, she mused as she reached for the door knob.

Phoenix

If I could tell you one thing today
You stand alone and you stand tall
The world mocks, ridicules and laughs
Because they don’t know

You know darkness
You have felt more blood than love
You have been bruised and beaten
Your eyes have seen more injustice than hope
Your words have spilled all over
Scattered and torn like ashes and dreams

Your heart still keeps pumping
And your lungs inhale and exhale
Even on the darkest of days
Even when you wonder why
They know they must go on
The world needs you

Men like you
You fight for the right
You must never stop
Defying and destroying wrong
What stands in the way of life?

Don’t you know?
You’re the winters
You’re the bittersweet coffee on cold nights
You’re the strength for many
You’re the hope for more
You’re the phoenix 

If I could tell you one thing today
You will not just make it
You will own it
You will find your place
You will find your peace
Believe because I do

Freedom

She slumps in to the chair, cursing her luck. “Fuck! The lights are out”, opens her bag and takes out her cigarette pack. Her hands are shaking, she looks down at them and wonders how it is getting worse and lets out a shaky laugh. With fumbling hands she lights a cigarette and takes a long puff to calm down herself.

There is absolute silence around her, like stillness in the air. She closes her eyes; they hurt even though its pitch black in her apartment, the electricity has been cut off. She reminds herself to go pay the bills tomorrow. A long sigh escapes her lips as she continues to smoke with trembling hands.

She tries to recollect the events that have led to this but can’t seem to put the pieces together, it’s like too many scenes are playing in her head at once, driving her crazy. Insane. She knows she needs to calm down to function but she can’t. As the cigarette runs out she blindly reaches for the pack to take another one.

She exhales slowly, trying to relax her body but another attack of violent cough hits her and the cigarette falls to the ground from her fingers. She was 35, alone and dying. Never had she imagined her life would collapse like this around her. Words in her head are so loud today, drowning her, reaching out and pulling her inside in an absolute abyss of darkness, she wants to fight but she is tired. Oh so tired, she wants to let go and sleep now. Sleep peacefully but life wouldn’t even allow her the freedom of death.

She curls up in to ball on the carpet which has thickened with layers of dust, from the corner of her eyes she can see the burnt corners of carpet and closes her eyes, a fresh wave of memories have hit her again. With her eyes closed, she can see it all with absolute clarity that day, he is back in her head and he is screaming and she is screaming back at him, there are tears and anger and hatred. So much hatred, she sees him walking out and a silent plea escapes her lips “Don’t” but he was gone. He was gone and it was all her fucking fault. She was so angry that day, so angry that she had tried to burn down the carpet because it was the first thing they had bought together. She remembered, oh the agony. The anger, followed by fear, heartbreak and tears and her attempt to quickly save whatever was left of their memory together.

It was an ugly carpet, deformed, dusted, burnt from edges but she kept it. Despite how many times she had been told to get rid of it, she didn’t. People didn’t get it, it reminded her of them together, him but most of all, and it reminded her of her. The tattered piece, ugly, incomplete, rough around the edges and never to be loved.

Another cough and her body convulsed, bringing her back to present. She opens her eyes and tries to stand up but she has no energy left in her body and she can already feel another memory taking over her back, this time it’s her mom. A wretched sob escapes her lips mixed with laughter, she knows she is dying, oh how she would love to die with a happy memory but is there any? She desperately waits but nothing.

She feels her lungs filling up with smoke and her eyes stinging, she couldn’t care less though. She knows it the cigarette she dropped; she can see the carpet dissolving into the flames, her mind tells her to move. To save herself but her heart tells her otherwise. The fire will burn the memory forever, that’s what she needs. It’s getting difficult to breathe and she can hear someone screaming and knocking at the door, her eyes are closed and a smile spreads over her face. Her torment is over, it’s time. She knows she will be okay as she feels the heat envelope her.