I feel it knocking somewhere at the back of my head, as always I can never pin point the exact location. Today is no different than any other day in my life, a defeated sigh escapes my lips as I try to concentrate on the pile of paper work in front of me. Maybe if I ignored it, the endless noise would leave me alone but it doesn’t. Like it never does and each day we play this game till I acknowledge the voice, the invisible part which I can’t get rid off. I’m not sure if I can ever be free of it now, for so long have we been together that I can’t tell myself apart from it.
I grimace involuntarily as the knocks turn to blows, and it travels from the back of my head to the crown. Within half an hour today, it’s almost unbearable now, I bite my lower lip hard enough to make it bleed and realizing that I’m surrounded by people I quickly grab a tissue paper to soothe my crimson lip. All I’ve been trying to do is distract myself and not give in to the one thing that will take away the noise. Slightly shaken I go back to my paper work and with a resolve start sorting things out. Barely an hour has gone by that my hands start to tremble and the words on the paper look like insects crawling, its grown and spread like a plague all the way to my forehead.
I stop doing everything and look up around me, everyone is busy with their work, taking this opportunity I close my eyes and inhale and exhale. I tell myself to keep breathing and keep my hands at the corner of the table to steady them while also praying that nobody notices my condition. God listens and doesn’t. I manage to keep my face devoid of expressions that may gave away what I’m going through but by now I feel like someone just jabbed a hot iron rod right through my skull and is pulling it out slowly to scar me forever, like it’s engraving its territory.
I make an effort to stand and clear my head as one last attempt but everything is a blur. I quickly sit back down and with trembling hands pull open the drawer, I know what I need and I blindly reach for my pills and gulp them down with water. It feels that time is endless as I wait for the impact, for the escape but I know the fight has just begun.
Note: Just a glimpse into the head of someone who struggles with vicious headaches daily and simultaneously has to justify the use of pills to people around her.