Who am I?

At some point or another in our lives we all want to run away from our demons, our mistakes, our blood but most of all we want to run away from ourselves. We realize how much of our lives have been about what others wanted, smiling made mum happy, dad loved it when I fixed our lunch table and my brother gave me a high-five when I won the first basketball match. I didn’t want to smile, I hated that table and I never wanted to play basketball but it made them happy and I became someone I never wanted.

Series of accidents, mistakes and lies become your legacy. You can’t hurt them and your turn can wait. So you wait for that one day when you can open up and talk about yourself,  about who you’re and that day never comes. One day it’s a friend’s birthday,  next is your cousin’s wedding and you keep telling yourself to wait because you don’t want to hurt anyone. In process of making all happy and spreading smiles you lose yours’, you don’t know what your real laugh sounds like or how you got so bitter.

Every night you toss and turn and sleep with demons. The price of others happiness was ‘you’ but oh the irony you’re alone battling your monsters at midnight. It’s still not enough, people keep looking at you with weariness because they quietly wait for you to crash, perhaps they can see the cracks, you wonder. You sit and watch as they come and leave, and you keep picking up the leftover pieces and closing the doors, throwing away the keys.

You want to escape but there is none. You can’t escape from who you’re, a worn wrinkled page, brittle from corners. torn and twisted between many fingers over the years. Till the words on them are still visible you will continue spreading smiles until finally one day when someone erases them completely, you will find your escape.

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9 thoughts on “Who am I?

  1. Self-pity is the worst. All I can say is, don’t fall prey to it. Please don’t fall prey to any of this. People aren’t always selfish and it isn’t always bad to make others happy. In fact, I believe that by making others happy, you become happy. Don’t let your brain trick you into thinking otherwise. And it’s never too late to go back and make things better. Apologies can go a long way. Especially when it’s the relations that you want to save and not your pride or ego. Your family loves you and please don’t think that they don’t, because nothing could be more false than that. I don’t know your entire story but I do know that family is family and only they will stay by your side. I wouldn’t think about what others thought of me but I know that my family always wants the best for me and if they have an opinion about something, I should at least hear them out. Don’t for a moment think that this is just how you are, or this is your nature and you can’t change that. That’s absurd. You can change, for the better, if you want to. Change is always good, as long as it’s not forced. Until then, smiling might just be the key. Don’t smile for others. Smile for yourself. Don’t set the table for others. Set the table for yourself. Look at it as if you’re allowing yourself to grow and evolve as a person. Look at it as acts of kindness and selfless love that empowers you with every step that you take. Like I said, I don’t know the entire story. Heck, I don’t even know whether you’re writing this about you, if it’s true, or what. I only know that I went through a similar phase before, but now I know better and I just want others to know that, too. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. First of all thank-you for taking out the time to say such kind words, really 🙂 The concern in itself is over whelming. It’s always good to read another perspective, coming to what I wrote some parts of it are true and some are well decorated. However, to be completely honest with you, I wouldn’t know self pity because I’ve always been a fighter. Always. Sure, there isn’t one person I can point at and say they know me completely but that’s a choice, a personal one. I stand and fight for what I believe in and if I could do it all over again I will do the same because every hurdle, every crash has made me who I’m. Be it good or bad.
      Between I don’t think I need to add more to what you said on Family, at the end of the day. It’s them. Ya, it’s them 🙂 So glad that you can find some words that you can relate to here with me ❤ Stay strong and blessed. I love hearing from you.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Relieved about the ‘decorated’ part. 😀 There was a time when I was made to think that everyone around me was too selfish and locked up in their own world to care for me. But then again, like I said, family is family and misunderstanding them was my mistake. Even then, misunderstandings do crop up but we’re quick to let go and put ourselves in the other’s shoes. Glad to see you exude strength from your very words. 🙂 Take care.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. I love this poem and everything it says. I have often felt (and still often do) the same as you. Given the chance some people will use you up if you let them; use you up and spit you out. I am trying to stop that from happening to me. I know a user asshole when I see one lol. So I am trying to steer clear of one-sided conversations, and one-sided favors, and of going out of my way for people who near demand it. I’m making my own time the most important and if I have any let over, I will share some with others who deserve my presence. I’ve spend 50 years putting other’s needs before my own, and if I now have to be militant about keeping my own time, so be it. Probably I will swing the other way for a while and then gradually work back to a balance but in the meantime, I NEED to practice saying, No. Nope. Uh uh. No can do. Anyway, thanks for the great post!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. First, thank-you for taking out the time to share your thoughts with me. I love perspectives, I love having to listen to people and having real conversations. Your comment was the highlight of my day 🙂 I’m glad you can relate really and yes tbh I still haven’t learned to say “No” because the guilt that follows is too gut wrenching to put up with despite knowing that saying yes or playing along means you’re being used, I let things be.
      I’m so glad to hear that you’re working on protecting yourself and building walls, “self preservation” is important, even if it means cutting off people. You’re on the right road 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You are who you are if. People don’t like that or want to change it, tuff, only. Person you have to be true to is yourself its that simple, end off, lol take care , be safe , xxxxxx

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