The sense of failing in your own eyes leaves an impact that slashes through you like shards of glasses permanently scarring you in ways you have nightmares about. The harrowing feeling of watching your life falling apart in front of your own eyes and knowing that just as the sun sets eveyday, your life will also sink into darkness but unlike each day as the sun rises you will never see how the world looks from above the clouds.
Becoming somebody you never wanted and having all doors closed on your face, you are a mouse running in a dead-end maze where the cat will eventually catch up and tear you apart but to fool yourself, you run anyway. You run with every inch of your life even when your lungs are on fire. But child, didn’t anyone tell you that you can’t escape yourself?
Each day you fall deeper into the pit, judging yourself from how you smile, the words you speak, the way your eyes tell lies, the perpetual cold surrounding your heart and the stranger you’re to everyone in your life. The only time you feel human is when you’re alone under the sky and you look up with a blank stare, searching for answers. You want to lie down on the ground, close your eyes and secretly hope that you won’t wake up this time when you go to the other side.
But it never ends, you fail yourself each day over and over in every possible way like a step child who can never make his parents happy. You question your existence and ask the one above what his plan is for you, no amount of begging grants you forgiveness.
This is your biggest punishment, to live each day doubting yourself and stumbling and falling down the stairs. You can list a hundred ways you’re failing and struggling but darling we both know the truth.
So you start to stop. You stop trying and you start letting life get its way.