Silver Linings

If you look hard enough
You will see the silver
Lining shimmering a little
Distance away and if you
Hang on till the right time
You can hold it in your
Grasp like a bird that was
Always yours and just
Lost its way along the path
It is in the darkest of night
A star shining so bright
And in the way she smiles
When you get back home
It’s in the pat on your back
That you got at work today
It’s in the warm arms around
Your neck of your 5 year old
But it vanishes when you
Close your eyes and all there
Is, is blackness stretched in
Perpetually all around you
You involuntary shiver under
The burden of your child’s
Wishes that you promised to
Fulfill for him and you feel
The cold in the darkness
Her hopeful eyes hauntingly
Find you even as you try to
Sleep silently reminding you
About how her eyes lighted up
At the sight of the blue house
The blankness takes away any
Silver linings you saw in day
The constant self loathing of
Failures follow you on the path
You blindly run and stumble
But the nightmare never ends
You keep running wanting to
Scream for help for them you
Keep trying but each day mixes
Into another in your mind as you
Like awake wondering how to
Be good enough for his people
A silent cry escapes your lips
You sit up desperate for escape
Choking under the pressure
Your breath falls short as you
Start seeing your silver lining
A glimpse that comes and goes
But you have seen it and that’s
Enough for you to madly reach
For the bottle of sleeping pills
To swallow till the stars gets
Brighter and the moon smaller

In a Parallel World

I see us standing
Side by side happily
Laughing at some joke
In a parallel world

I see us talking
To each other openly
Resolving our issues
In a parallel world

I see us buying
Books together just
Because I loved reading
In a parallel world

I see us arguing
About your busy life
And you making up
In a parallel world

I see you reading
My words and reaching
Out for my hand subtly
In a parallel world

I see us planning
Our life together
In whispers of night
In a parallel world

I see us fading
As the strong winds
Bring me back to this
World, there is no us

Panic Attack

Uncertainty surrounds my life
I know I must keep trying
A sudden onslaught of ropes
Seem to tie me down and I
Stand rooted on my spot as
All thoughts shatter and
Crash against each other in
My mind making the world
Spin out of control viciously
I try to stay calm but it feels
Like my lungs are on fire
And there is no way I can
Breathe anymore, I cough
Violently wrapping my arms
around myself as I fall to the
Ground and the walls start
Moving closer inch by inch
I open my mouth to scream
But I fail to form any words
Amidst of the chaos of my
Life trying to shatter me I try
To reach out to tell myself this
Isn’t real but I’ve gone too far
The walls moving in closer
I feel the ice running in my
Veins making me tremble
Just as I start wheezing, I’m
Wrapped into warm arms
“I’ve got you; you aren’t alone”
And I let myself fall deeper

The misfit

The constant struggle to fit in
With the normal people wears
Me down by end of each day
Not finding my place between
The fake giggles and high pitched
Laughter erupting from the vocals
I watch in confusion wondering if
They all could see how useless
These masks were which they
Carefully crafted to hide their real
Faces behind an imaginary deceit
They think no-one notices but it
Makes me wince seeing those ugly
Lines stretched too far for too long
They push me to laugh a little harder
For after-all my silence scares them
They throw me between each other
Trying to drill holes in me to extract
A few more gossips in hope to kill
Time they can’t seem to get rid off
But I have nothing to offer so I sit
Unmoved with a blank stare and a
Dazzling smile I have reserved to keep
Them at bay from ripping me apart
If they get too near they would know
I’m real and what they see isn’t a mask
I wear to fool the world to fall in love
With me rather I’m the quiet dark soul
Swimming behind that flawless smile
Bored when they find me so empty
They ask me for my opinion about
His new shoes then tell me I need to
Be softer in my choice of words being
Too honest can turn off people they
Mock me in a sweet tone trying to hide
Their disdain and I smile ruefully not
Saying anything back au contraire I’m
Exhausted with the meaningless chats
All these dramas and lies around me
Are to be eaten casually over lunch
Just like any other day this also ends
In me on this side and them across the
Hall waiting to pick me apart like a doll

I wonder

I wonder what you were thinking
When those lines formed on your
Forehead in concentration while
You worked over and over trying to
Create perfection in all that you did
Oh love, nothing can be perfect

I wonder what you’d taste like
Under a grey sky and blue trees
As the butterflies flew over us
And the river flowed to the music
And a smile to make stars swoon
Oh love, don’t you wonder to

I wonder what’s happiness for you
Is it when you accomplish your goals
Or is it the midnight silence you cherish
Is it somebody who makes the world
You live in brighter and better for you
Oh love, for it certainly wasn’t me

I wonder what’s life like without me
Does the sun shines brighter now
Has success found it’s way to you
With no one to tilt the balance anymore
Writing words causing you to cringe
Oh love, I hope it’s all you wanted

I wonder if you wonder about me
Like I do in the middle of the night
In silence between conversations
In spaces between words written
In every heartfelt prayer and wish
oh love, for I hope you’re in peace

Link to the site:

A place called home

There is a restless feeling under my skin
An itch that makes me want to claw till
I bleed raw and find what’s hiding within
A void I walk around with pulling me down
With its weight and hollowness that gnaws
In search of peace I have traveled worlds
A place I could call home to be myself
Where I could read and scribble freely
A sanctuary that blankets me in its arms
Letting me ramble on eccentric issues
That warmth which would make me smile
And forget the burdens of the world not
Just a roof to live under but a heart that
Will reach out and pick mine apart rightly
Enough strength to share the weight of
The world to succeed and survive madness
But between chattering crowds and houses
The emptiness inside grows as I fail to
Find what could be my “Querencia

Note: Querencia is a place from which one’s strength is drawn, where one feels at home; the place where you’re your most authentic self.

Who am I?

At some point or another in our lives we all want to run away from our demons, our mistakes, our blood but most of all we want to run away from ourselves. We realize how much of our lives have been about what others wanted, smiling made mum happy, dad loved it when I fixed our lunch table and my brother gave me a high-five when I won the first basketball match. I didn’t want to smile, I hated that table and I never wanted to play basketball but it made them happy and I became someone I never wanted.

Series of accidents, mistakes and lies become your legacy. You can’t hurt them and your turn can wait. So you wait for that one day when you can open up and talk about yourself,  about who you’re and that day never comes. One day it’s a friend’s birthday,  next is your cousin’s wedding and you keep telling yourself to wait because you don’t want to hurt anyone. In process of making all happy and spreading smiles you lose yours’, you don’t know what your real laugh sounds like or how you got so bitter.

Every night you toss and turn and sleep with demons. The price of others happiness was ‘you’ but oh the irony you’re alone battling your monsters at midnight. It’s still not enough, people keep looking at you with weariness because they quietly wait for you to crash, perhaps they can see the cracks, you wonder. You sit and watch as they come and leave, and you keep picking up the leftover pieces and closing the doors, throwing away the keys.

You want to escape but there is none. You can’t escape from who you’re, a worn wrinkled page, brittle from corners. torn and twisted between many fingers over the years. Till the words on them are still visible you will continue spreading smiles until finally one day when someone erases them completely, you will find your escape.

In search of an escape

Running for her life
Out of breath and seeing stars
Shrubs and branches scratch her skin
But she couldn’t care less
Drops of blood leave marks on ground
She refuses to slow down
Her foot twists on the uneven surface
She falls down and screams
Covering her mouth quickly
To keep her voice down as
she hears the footsteps getting closer
Her heart beat thumping in her ears
Her breath is ragged and her clothes are torn
Her mouth tastes like metal and acrid
The ankle bone jarringly twisted
Like a fish hook gone wrong
Dragging her body to rest against a tree trunk
She flinches as she hear them approach
Silent plea escapes her lips as she looks up
Hasn’t she suffered enough?