What Ifs

They say an empty mind
Is the devil’s play field or
Something abstract along
Those lines, I wonder as
I keep looking across the
Barren field stretched for
Miles with no end in sight
But I like to take these blind
Mind trips to feel the wheels
Leaving marks on my skulls
As they fabricate stories
What if I had a better face
Would people notice me
And not my crippled leg as
They cringe away in sympathy
And disgust at the disfigured
Deformed mass sticking out
Of my knee with blue and red
Lines running along like art
A biter sweet smile on my face
What if I have had the surgery
And got a prosthetic leg instead
Would I have been less cynical
What if I hadn’t saved the child
That day leaving him in the
Middle of the road amidst traffic
‘You would still have the leg’, I
Hear the voice which I crash
With the violent shake of my
Head and try to breathe normally
What if I had died instead that
Day and with that thought the
Clouds get heavier, thunder roars
The world drowns in my sorrows

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Drowning the Voices

There are voices my head
Each with a different story
Of how they see the world
One shrilly talks about pain
The suffering of human kind
And how they don’t deserve
The horror inflicted upon them
The other voice scoffs at it in
Disdain and calls it naive to
Think humans deserve love
Considering the history they
Carry on their shoulders while
These two fight, the third one
Screams at them to shut up
Because of the noise they
Were making in the head and
Causing the headache to stir
Up from his seep who then
Creates a havoc in the head
Till its sore from unwanted
Pain and the voices have to
Be shunned by the pills that
Go in the system as to putting
Them to sleep and haze making
Things unclear but the voices
Refuse to listen and continue
Fighting with same high pitched
Notes over right from wrong in
The world, soon they realize the
Owner is shutting them to sleep
As some very strong chemicals
Flood through the veins leading
To the two voices to drown while
The third sits with his head down
Chuckling bitterly at the fate it
Has to suffer for the mistakes of
The rest of the voices but soon
It realizes how similar it is inside
The head as it’s outside the world
And with this last thought this
Voice is also drowned in to void

Thunderstorms

It’s one of those days again
The battle in the sky is about
To begin, the vibrating music
And howling winds seem to
Be making all the windows
And doors slam against each
Other as if screaming in fear
The gods roar and sky bursts
The battle of gods has started
As people watch in silence
Hidden in their houses under
The blankets, the sky is taken
Into shades of gray and black
Angry clouds crashing into
One another causing lights to
Lit up the sky like fire erupting
Drowning the town in white
The black cat scurries away
Running for her life scared of
The flash that destroyed its
Home with a blink of an eye
Another angry crackle by god
And a crash rattles the ground
The world looks ragged and torn
Drenched with fear but there is
An impending doom is in the air
The town holds its breath in terror
Praying for the storm to pass

Perpetual depression

I drink from the endless pit
Of the perpetual depression
Made from tears of silence
Two spoons of regrets and
A cup of anger buried away
With a pinch of added despair
And a tablespoon of mistakes
It tastes like cigarette smoke
And burned ashes of dreams
I feel the liquid spreading within
Burning my lungs like a fire
Enveloping a forest claiming
Everything that stands in its way
I fall short of breaths and vision
Clouded by the smoke of past
To escape I need to stop drinking
but as everybody else I too am
Addicted to my chosen destruction

Drowning

The world feels too heavy
To carry on my shoulders
Mixed with the weight of
Past mistakes haunting me
While I travel away to sleep
I can’t find myself anymore
Left behind bones and flesh
Slowly decaying in the cold
As I display another plastic
Smile and laugh with you all
Fitting in just perfectly as I
Should be with you all cause
Nothing is wrong as long as
I hold my smile and close my
Heart to keep everyone away
Nobody wants a broken glass
The truth no-one wants to
accept for it’s easier that way
And we like easy, don’t we all?
I want to close my eyes and
Reach out for something solid
Reliable but all there is thin air
Barely noticeable to my eyes
I ricochet between emotions
The inside of my brain roars
In anger and the hate leaves
Scars of collected misfortunes
Making me bite off my tongue
Tasting the blood like a razor
Smeared in splatter of it’s prey
So begins the endless battle
Of demons twisting my thoughts
Into ropes made of thorns put
Together through years of life
I have learned to despise with
A passion that burns the soul

Eleutheromania

Eleutheromania: An intense and irresistible desire for freedom

Yesterday while I tried to browse through blogs here, I constantly kept getting this message across the page,”the content is prohibited for viewership from within Pakistan” and with an exasperated sigh I had to go dig the issue up only to find that for some security reasons WordPress has been temporarily banned. I was upset, confused and enraged and emotions exhaust me. They always did, I prefer being indifferent. It’s been over twelve hours and I still feel ‘wronged’. 

I’m not sure I understand how our censorship policies work here and I’m certain if I asked anybody, all I’d get is a shrug of shoulders or perhaps even a seething look from one of the oh-so-patriots, “it’s a matter of national security child, what’s wrong with you?!” so I thought I’d use whatever access I still have in my hands to TELL what’s bothering me so much for after all it’s just a site, right?

Wrong. This place isn’t just a site for me, in the few months that I have been here I have come across amazing people from across the globe, I have made friends from different countries and religions. It’s this place which defies boundaries for me, this place which states that there is nothing like the power of words and honesty that can connect people, to quote Tennessee Williams, “If the writing is honest it cannot be separated from the man who wrote it”  and I personally believe that we all leave ourselves, bit by bit, in words we write. If you look closely enough, you will find a hint of shadow of the person in the words they spill here for all to see.

What gnaws at me most is that I’m drained out by the policies and stands this country seems to have. We face a plethora of challenges, from basic human rights to national security issues, you name it and we have it. It’s depressing to see this home falling apart like the walls crumbling down around you as you watch with hopelessness and despair. What was once built on a dream has been butchered by it’s own people using the sharpest knives ensuring that the dream is shredded so badly that no one ever dares to dream again here.

This isn’t the first time they have banned a site, YouTube was banned back years ago because of the incompetence and failure of the government to be able to filter offensive content from viewing within the country, while the issue of what’s offensive and degrading for us is another debate altogether, what’s worse is that masses have to suffer for a handful of ignorant people. Again, from time to time we have had other sites (Twitter, Facebook etc) banned on the same grounds each time and now this WordPress has been banned too ‘temporarily’

My question remains though is how is this a solution to anything? Where is my freedom of speech? Why should I be denied my rights just because the higher ups want to bury the issues than resolve them? How long will we keep piling up problems instead of solving them? Of all the days today I feel eleutheromania clawing at me much more viciously than any other regular day, the irony of the situation is that today, 23rd of March, Pakistan resolution was passed, the decision that we wanted an independent country was cemented. The roots for our freedom were laid out in history today, 75 years ago. I rest my case.

The misfit

The constant struggle to fit in
With the normal people wears
Me down by end of each day
Not finding my place between
The fake giggles and high pitched
Laughter erupting from the vocals
I watch in confusion wondering if
They all could see how useless
These masks were which they
Carefully crafted to hide their real
Faces behind an imaginary deceit
They think no-one notices but it
Makes me wince seeing those ugly
Lines stretched too far for too long
They push me to laugh a little harder
For after-all my silence scares them
They throw me between each other
Trying to drill holes in me to extract
A few more gossips in hope to kill
Time they can’t seem to get rid off
But I have nothing to offer so I sit
Unmoved with a blank stare and a
Dazzling smile I have reserved to keep
Them at bay from ripping me apart
If they get too near they would know
I’m real and what they see isn’t a mask
I wear to fool the world to fall in love
With me rather I’m the quiet dark soul
Swimming behind that flawless smile
Bored when they find me so empty
They ask me for my opinion about
His new shoes then tell me I need to
Be softer in my choice of words being
Too honest can turn off people they
Mock me in a sweet tone trying to hide
Their disdain and I smile ruefully not
Saying anything back au contraire I’m
Exhausted with the meaningless chats
All these dramas and lies around me
Are to be eaten casually over lunch
Just like any other day this also ends
In me on this side and them across the
Hall waiting to pick me apart like a doll

I question, do you?

Why does a woman have to
Justify when she steps out
Of the home to make a living?
I question, do you?

Why is it okay for a man to cheat
On his wife and gloat? And the
Woman should forgive it all
I question, do you?

Why do men have to hide their
Emotions behind cruelty and anger?
Being emotional is being less of a man
I question, do you?

How does a thirteen year old
Provoke a forty year old to rape?
And the world sleeps at night
I question, do you?

How is marriage mandatory for
A happy life one wants to have?
Why can’t you choose otherwise
I question, do you?

Which religion promotes killing of
Innocent in name of peace and hope?
Will this society ever rise above it
I question, do you?

When will we accept humans for
Who they are and stop labeling them?
Pushing them to point of suicides
I question, do you?


Note:  These issues are specifically pointed towards the society I’m part of and the fact how openly they’re practiced and nobody seems to be bothered by them.

Anger

Note: This poem contains abusive language


The feeling is almost lethal tonight
A fire starts destroying all emotions
Taking up every empty space within
‘Bastard’ the dark clouds are raging
My hands tremble and the world spins
The body of a bloodied infant flashes
In front of my eyes mocking my soul
‘Assholes’ the glass shatters on the floor
The screams of a mother echo around
Tearing my heart like a hungry animal
‘Bitch’ I cringe as my knuckles crack
Tears of bruised five year old so clear
Like a vivid painting etched in my mind
Humanity is as rare as true happiness
‘Fuc*ers’ the floor decorates in crimson
His pleas to the butchers still resonate
The walls oddly remind me of coffins
3:00 a.m. regrets and despair drown me
The world looks so dark and burdened
With all the glorified tales that media
Shoves down our throats for profits
I wince unsure of the pain I go through
Tonight I bleed to strangle the voice of
My soul, gnawing at my skin pointing
How brutally self centered my life is


http://penningmyvoice.com/anger/

Life lessons

How unfortunate is human race
We plot to steal others happiness
To satisfy our monsters residing within
Selfishly we steal and back bite
Proudly we disrespect and demoralize
Stamping over the weak we forget
How fragile and mortal we are
A strong wind will tear us apart
Like sand particles we will float
A smashing wave will envelope us
And we will no longer exist
Yet we are blinded by our hunger
Our greed and desires to hurt
The thrill of controlling another human
Sweeter than mellifluous lips of a lover
Makes us forget the hell that waits
Wrapped up in everything we want
On the other side of life