Silver Linings

If you look hard enough
You will see the silver
Lining shimmering a little
Distance away and if you
Hang on till the right time
You can hold it in your
Grasp like a bird that was
Always yours and just
Lost its way along the path
It is in the darkest of night
A star shining so bright
And in the way she smiles
When you get back home
It’s in the pat on your back
That you got at work today
It’s in the warm arms around
Your neck of your 5 year old
But it vanishes when you
Close your eyes and all there
Is, is blackness stretched in
Perpetually all around you
You involuntary shiver under
The burden of your child’s
Wishes that you promised to
Fulfill for him and you feel
The cold in the darkness
Her hopeful eyes hauntingly
Find you even as you try to
Sleep silently reminding you
About how her eyes lighted up
At the sight of the blue house
The blankness takes away any
Silver linings you saw in day
The constant self loathing of
Failures follow you on the path
You blindly run and stumble
But the nightmare never ends
You keep running wanting to
Scream for help for them you
Keep trying but each day mixes
Into another in your mind as you
Like awake wondering how to
Be good enough for his people
A silent cry escapes your lips
You sit up desperate for escape
Choking under the pressure
Your breath falls short as you
Start seeing your silver lining
A glimpse that comes and goes
But you have seen it and that’s
Enough for you to madly reach
For the bottle of sleeping pills
To swallow till the stars gets
Brighter and the moon smaller

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Creatures of Night

You pretend to not hear
The creatures of night
In the rustling of trees
And the howling of wind
The slightest quiver of the
Surface on which you lay
Trying to sleep desperately
Wanting to ignore any distant
Sound you may have heard
It feels like your skin is on
Fire as something slithers
Across your arm causing
You to flinch and shake
Your hand brutally but as
You try to blindly grope at
The nearest table nothing
Comes in your shaky grasp
Stumbling on your feet you
Crash against something in
The dark and you take a step
Back in fear as you hear the
Heart beat that’s not yours
The wind rattles the windows
Wanting to scream but no
Voice comes out, no matter
How hard you try and a dull
Creak of floor rings in your
Ears, a warning to run away
Buzzes in your head but
Your feet refuse to budge
Your eyes look up and there
It is looking right back at you

Losing my Mind

I feel drum beats echoing
Like purposely trying to
Rile me up to a war within
Almost as if the demons
Are working on a special
Project to cause mayhem
The feeling of someone
Pulling the flesh in different
Directions; the right and left
The strings moving ruthlessly
As if wanting to tear apart
My mind literally to pieces
I can hear the silence waking
Raging and crashing against
My skull wanting an escape
As these unknowns rip apart
The mind I feel turning to haze
Of memories and nightmares
A speedy blur of abstracts
Comes and float away from
My Vision making it difficult to
Separate reality from illusions
Of the mind noise that is too
Loud drowning the outside
The clock hand seems fixated
On 12 a.m while I feel eternity
Pass within my soul and mind
As it churns and rattles and
I stare at the wall waiting for
The demons to go to sleep

A night with the demon

Sleeping with the demons tonight
We create our own music in dark
I feel it taking over slowly spreading
Itself and I welcome the feeling of
Self loathing waiting for it to consume
Me completely till we are one and the
Same dissolving into a black hole
Moving into the void as one entity
The demon wraps its arms around
Me and I gasp in pain feeling an
Electric wave crushing my bones
My skin stretches and breaks apart
As the demon peels of my skin to
Remind me of my weaknesses I
Hide behind this smiling face hoping
Nobody would know the ugliness that
Lurks beneath the shadow mocking
Me of the fool I’m for thinking that
Nobody notices the facade I maintain
I drown under the taunting voices of
The demon enjoying the little games
Pulling at my heart strings and I feel
buried under a broken heart trashed
By a few loved lost visitors long gone
I know I must come back to the world
As I start slipping away in the abyss
I forcefully open my eyes in the dark
Sorrowfully embracing the present

Drowning

The world feels too heavy
To carry on my shoulders
Mixed with the weight of
Past mistakes haunting me
While I travel away to sleep
I can’t find myself anymore
Left behind bones and flesh
Slowly decaying in the cold
As I display another plastic
Smile and laugh with you all
Fitting in just perfectly as I
Should be with you all cause
Nothing is wrong as long as
I hold my smile and close my
Heart to keep everyone away
Nobody wants a broken glass
The truth no-one wants to
accept for it’s easier that way
And we like easy, don’t we all?
I want to close my eyes and
Reach out for something solid
Reliable but all there is thin air
Barely noticeable to my eyes
I ricochet between emotions
The inside of my brain roars
In anger and the hate leaves
Scars of collected misfortunes
Making me bite off my tongue
Tasting the blood like a razor
Smeared in splatter of it’s prey
So begins the endless battle
Of demons twisting my thoughts
Into ropes made of thorns put
Together through years of life
I have learned to despise with
A passion that burns the soul

Subject

You picked her from a crowd
For no reason your eyes chose
Her to satisfy your hunger of
Destroying anything you felt was
Lost so began your experiment
And she became your lab-rat
You fed her smiles and jokes
She fell straight for it all glowing
And you silently watched taking
Notes and wanting to turn the
Knob a notch bit more for fun
She became a priority friend
Someone important who you
Now meant the world too perhaps
She’d do anything you asked
For you were her little world
She held scarily close to herself
Time for fun you glee wickedly
You told her how important she
Was and how beautiful she made
Your world by her mere presence
Another needle pricked she bled
She fell straight for you, didn’t she?
Like an ice cream melting under sun
You were her undoing, no escape
She was your favourite subject
But you wanted some excitement
A desire raged to destroy her forever
You crafted the trap with precision
She said those three little words
Perfect‘ you cut the rope and walked
You hid in darkness watching her
Searching for you crying begging
You to come back and she wanted
Nothing from you just your forgiveness
You watched silently with joy as her
Madness transcended to depression
Her sleepless nights of regrets
Blaming herself for everything
The eyes lost their shine slowly
The smile was replaced with creases
Self hate hidden under clothes as
She seemed to get smaller by the day
This was better than you had planned
The ending of this subject “naivety

Inside my head

There is a person who lives
Inside my head telling me
Stories over and over that
I want to erase from my mind
He starts by telling me about
Live Childhood nightmares
I lived through like running
In a circle with no way out
The times I was picked on
For I was the fat and quiet kid
Who was pushed and pulled
Because she had no way out
And the voice reminds me
Of how I used to hide in my
Room to shut out the screams
Hoping silently that the closer
Doors will stifle my suppressed
Sobs and if I tried even harder
I won’t hear what happened
On the other side of the door
A struggle ensues on the inside
I try to lock the past and throw
The key away to keep myself
From falling apart over and over
But giving up just as I always do
The voice cruelly laughs and
Throws another memory of time
I used to find solace in libraries
This whirlwind of thoughts wins
I hear the cracked walls crashing
A small plea barely escapes my lips
Before I’m swallowed by darkness

Madness

Have you ever felt madness slowly
Creeping under your skin making
A home claiming your mind eventually
As if it was always suppose to be its
It flows from one alley to another
The world around grows grayer
With each turn it seems to take
It spreads over the darkest corners
Of the mind and the coldest attics
You had kept hidden from the world
You shake your head violently hoping
To make sense why everything around
You is falling apart but there is only
Silence in the darkness inside and
Nobody is listening to your voice
As you reach out for help your eyes
tell stories of horror and fear of what
Lies ahead on the road your mind has
Chosen but nobody has the time to stop
And look into your eyes and save you
This battle you will have to fight alone
Like all the other times you have walked
Through doors of hell back and forth
But you’re tired of escaping each time
For eventually you know you will give in to
This fight and put an end to the blue line
Flowing freely without your permission


http://penningmyvoice.com/madness/

Perfect

I stand in front of the mirror today
Not recognizing my own reflection
I wonder how I managed to lose that
Only person who could have saved me
Losing myself midst the storm of lies
Fake smiles and layers of masks I wear
Playing games with those who cheat
Their way out victoriously throwing
Failures at me with their sinister smile
And I make a bouquet out of them so
That my defeats can mock me resting
So luxuriously at my study table along
With books that hold tales of those who
Walked in and out of my life to remind
Me that to be the woman who pushes
You to face the world and tears apart
The bubble you may live in has a price
You can’t be loved but you become
The 3 a.m person who will save lives
Silently and quietly you learn to do
Your part and let them walk away
when the time comes and you smile
Knowing this is how it always ends
I reach out to touch the person staring
From the mirror and a cold settles in
A desperate need to shut out the voices
And the silence breaks as the mirror falls
Looking down at the broken pieces tainted
With blood and a smile makes its way
On my face ‘perfect’ I think as I feel
Just as the pieces scattered on the floor

Ouroboros

They both move perfectly
A tango of bodies and souls
His hands show her a world
She never knew existed
Exploring and breathing in
Her design just as all those
Marked unvisited places on
The map he has to memorize
Before his time runs out
Her fingers trace the tattoo
On his left shoulder bone
it’s an ouroboros with a fire
The irony makes her smile
Something they never can be
Their eyes meet in the midst
Of fireworks that lighten up
The sky outside swallowing
Secrets and igniting desires
Together they put eternity
To shame as the room melts
In the heat of decorated sins