What Ifs

They say an empty mind
Is the devil’s play field or
Something abstract along
Those lines, I wonder as
I keep looking across the
Barren field stretched for
Miles with no end in sight
But I like to take these blind
Mind trips to feel the wheels
Leaving marks on my skulls
As they fabricate stories
What if I had a better face
Would people notice me
And not my crippled leg as
They cringe away in sympathy
And disgust at the disfigured
Deformed mass sticking out
Of my knee with blue and red
Lines running along like art
A biter sweet smile on my face
What if I have had the surgery
And got a prosthetic leg instead
Would I have been less cynical
What if I hadn’t saved the child
That day leaving him in the
Middle of the road amidst traffic
‘You would still have the leg’, I
Hear the voice which I crash
With the violent shake of my
Head and try to breathe normally
What if I had died instead that
Day and with that thought the
Clouds get heavier, thunder roars
The world drowns in my sorrows

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People Dissapoint

On this stage full of actors
Each trying to outsmart the
Another by playing their
Parts with eased perfection
Under masks of murky
Gray characters that cloud
Over your view of the world
Making it appear as dark as
The white painted hospital
Walls and as dull as the beep
Of the heart wanting to sleep
People disappoint you in
Ways that make you wonder
Make you question yourself
How deceiving and deep those
Layers of skin were wrapped
Around their faces that you
Couldn’t tell real from fake
Ones, wishing to tear off the
Intimate cocoons they hide in
Peel of one plastic layer after
Another till the backstabbers
Knives can be seen and the
Lies can be put on display
For the world to know the
Ugliness people hide behind
The perfectly crafted smiles

Drowning the Voices

There are voices my head
Each with a different story
Of how they see the world
One shrilly talks about pain
The suffering of human kind
And how they don’t deserve
The horror inflicted upon them
The other voice scoffs at it in
Disdain and calls it naive to
Think humans deserve love
Considering the history they
Carry on their shoulders while
These two fight, the third one
Screams at them to shut up
Because of the noise they
Were making in the head and
Causing the headache to stir
Up from his seep who then
Creates a havoc in the head
Till its sore from unwanted
Pain and the voices have to
Be shunned by the pills that
Go in the system as to putting
Them to sleep and haze making
Things unclear but the voices
Refuse to listen and continue
Fighting with same high pitched
Notes over right from wrong in
The world, soon they realize the
Owner is shutting them to sleep
As some very strong chemicals
Flood through the veins leading
To the two voices to drown while
The third sits with his head down
Chuckling bitterly at the fate it
Has to suffer for the mistakes of
The rest of the voices but soon
It realizes how similar it is inside
The head as it’s outside the world
And with this last thought this
Voice is also drowned in to void

She Still Remembers

She still remembers
His first birthday party
Which they celebrated
How he had fallen and
Was rushed to hospital

She still remembers
How despite his illness
He kept smiling and
Was at top of the class
Winning every battle

She still remembers
His laughter echoing
As he ran around the
House, his footsteps
Beating on the floor

She still remembers
The countless nights
They lost sleep as
The doctors tried to
Save their son’s life

She still remembers
Each day of the five
Years they spent with
Him in fear of time
Any moment being last

She still remembers
How he smiled one
Last time before he
Closed his eyes in
Her arms forever

She still remembers
Unable to move on
Everyday she leaves
A white rose on his
Grave, his favorite’s

Anxiety

The clock loudly ticks away
Never stopping for anyone
There is gray cloud inside
The thoughts run frantically
Like people running for their
Lives caught in a war ground
A haywire situation where
Nothing makes sense inside
All I see is shades of black
Feels like having to breathe
Underwater and wanting it to
End but you keep struggling
Neither dying nor surviving
Stuck in the middle of nowhere
The future looks bleak while
The past looks like a mistake
The present seems distant
Being an alien to your own-self
Watching your life take turns
As it pleases to do so even when
You have no idea the road just
Might end up in a crash cause
There is no end in sight and the
Breaks seem to have failed so
You keep watching the clock
Ticking away as you lose your
Ability to keep up with what’s real
And what’s just inside your head

On the edge

I feel every fiber of my being
Pulled in to a million directions
Stretched beyond my limit
I want to shatter my silence
Scream “enough” at top of my
Lungs till there is no breath left
Standing so close to the edge
All it will take is just one step
To end this struggle of fighting
Against my so called “life
Going down and down in to
An endless of abyss of darkness
Depression will embrace me
Completely happily as its own
Fighting it for too long has
Drained all the strength I had
Now I want to close my eyes
Rest forever in nothingness
As the idea of eternal void fills
Me I look down from the top
A shaky laugh escapes my
Throat and I take the plunge
Down and down I go in a
State of blankness where
I’m surrounded by white walls
Oh so white and so black they
Flash before my eyes like a
Mirror reflecting my life and
As I shiver involuntary I realize
It’s so cold down here just as
I had wanted “cold and dark
My hysterical laugh echoes

Silver linings

He carves stories on his skin
Decorating different intricate
Designs each telling a different
Story of his life so that he never
Forgets the insults he endured
There are some barely visible
Lines that are marked softly but
Permanently across his arms
The forgivable mistakes buried
And forgotten by the world but
He refuses to let go of the times
He didn’t have enough money
He traces the more deeper ones
And winces as the memories
Assault him with how he had let
Down his parents by not making
To the top institute for his career
Trying to stable his trembling
Hands he gingerly touches the
Sore spot still burning from half
Hour ago when she had walked out
On him accusing him of cheating
On her leaving him broken behind
Alone trying to find a purpose since
All he seemed to do is disappoint
People who had no place for him
His eyes travel across all the little
Turns and twists of the lost city
He hopelessly keeps working on
Hoping someone will help him out
Till then it’s him and his silver linings

Perpetual depression

I drink from the endless pit
Of the perpetual depression
Made from tears of silence
Two spoons of regrets and
A cup of anger buried away
With a pinch of added despair
And a tablespoon of mistakes
It tastes like cigarette smoke
And burned ashes of dreams
I feel the liquid spreading within
Burning my lungs like a fire
Enveloping a forest claiming
Everything that stands in its way
I fall short of breaths and vision
Clouded by the smoke of past
To escape I need to stop drinking
but as everybody else I too am
Addicted to my chosen destruction

Subject

You picked her from a crowd
For no reason your eyes chose
Her to satisfy your hunger of
Destroying anything you felt was
Lost so began your experiment
And she became your lab-rat
You fed her smiles and jokes
She fell straight for it all glowing
And you silently watched taking
Notes and wanting to turn the
Knob a notch bit more for fun
She became a priority friend
Someone important who you
Now meant the world too perhaps
She’d do anything you asked
For you were her little world
She held scarily close to herself
Time for fun you glee wickedly
You told her how important she
Was and how beautiful she made
Your world by her mere presence
Another needle pricked she bled
She fell straight for you, didn’t she?
Like an ice cream melting under sun
You were her undoing, no escape
She was your favourite subject
But you wanted some excitement
A desire raged to destroy her forever
You crafted the trap with precision
She said those three little words
Perfect‘ you cut the rope and walked
You hid in darkness watching her
Searching for you crying begging
You to come back and she wanted
Nothing from you just your forgiveness
You watched silently with joy as her
Madness transcended to depression
Her sleepless nights of regrets
Blaming herself for everything
The eyes lost their shine slowly
The smile was replaced with creases
Self hate hidden under clothes as
She seemed to get smaller by the day
This was better than you had planned
The ending of this subject “naivety

Dead Words

So much of what we want
Goes unsaid between empty
Spaces making the distance
Longer than it needs to be
All the “I love yous’” swallowed
Too scared of rejection we let
The aching hollowness to grow
Inside our chest locking the words
We shut off the inner voice harshly
Our hearts burdened under weight
We choke and stumble around
Never an “I’m sorry” letting our
Pride win over relationships we
Keep losing people slowly till one
Day the road mirrors a graveyard
Thank yous” squashed under feet
We drive people away without
Realizing we are digging our holes
Only to wake up one day and be
Alone and numb from the inside
With regrets and what-ifs that tear
Us up by the burdens we carry
Till we pick a pen and bleed our
Hearts away letting the dead words
Out filling the voids and aches never
Heard before to let the world glimpse
The burdens of the silenced words
Hoping someone out there will act
Differently and live fully unlike us