Drowning

The world feels too heavy
To carry on my shoulders
Mixed with the weight of
Past mistakes haunting me
While I travel away to sleep
I can’t find myself anymore
Left behind bones and flesh
Slowly decaying in the cold
As I display another plastic
Smile and laugh with you all
Fitting in just perfectly as I
Should be with you all cause
Nothing is wrong as long as
I hold my smile and close my
Heart to keep everyone away
Nobody wants a broken glass
The truth no-one wants to
accept for it’s easier that way
And we like easy, don’t we all?
I want to close my eyes and
Reach out for something solid
Reliable but all there is thin air
Barely noticeable to my eyes
I ricochet between emotions
The inside of my brain roars
In anger and the hate leaves
Scars of collected misfortunes
Making me bite off my tongue
Tasting the blood like a razor
Smeared in splatter of it’s prey
So begins the endless battle
Of demons twisting my thoughts
Into ropes made of thorns put
Together through years of life
I have learned to despise with
A passion that burns the soul

Time travel

I wish I could travel back
In time to observe what
I did wrong to push you away
That moment where you
Flinched with the thought
Of me and decided to leave
So I could perhaps try to
Make amends to myself
Was I too blunt when I told
You that I was in love with
You and wanted us together?
Was it not good enough?
Perhaps I wasn’t too pretty
For I don’t doll up like those
Girls that surrounded you
Maybe I didn’t smile like
The rest and was too boring
With my desires of galaxies
And stars and universes
While your world was too far
From mine that you never
Let me in to so now I wonder
All the time about you and my
Unanswered questions haunt
me for I was never just enough
But even in my darkest season
My soul wishes happiness for you
But still I can’t help but think if I
Ever meant something to you
Do I cross your mind in silence
Like you do mine all the time?

Inside my head

There is a person who lives
Inside my head telling me
Stories over and over that
I want to erase from my mind
He starts by telling me about
Live Childhood nightmares
I lived through like running
In a circle with no way out
The times I was picked on
For I was the fat and quiet kid
Who was pushed and pulled
Because she had no way out
And the voice reminds me
Of how I used to hide in my
Room to shut out the screams
Hoping silently that the closer
Doors will stifle my suppressed
Sobs and if I tried even harder
I won’t hear what happened
On the other side of the door
A struggle ensues on the inside
I try to lock the past and throw
The key away to keep myself
From falling apart over and over
But giving up just as I always do
The voice cruelly laughs and
Throws another memory of time
I used to find solace in libraries
This whirlwind of thoughts wins
I hear the cracked walls crashing
A small plea barely escapes my lips
Before I’m swallowed by darkness

Perfect

I stand in front of the mirror today
Not recognizing my own reflection
I wonder how I managed to lose that
Only person who could have saved me
Losing myself midst the storm of lies
Fake smiles and layers of masks I wear
Playing games with those who cheat
Their way out victoriously throwing
Failures at me with their sinister smile
And I make a bouquet out of them so
That my defeats can mock me resting
So luxuriously at my study table along
With books that hold tales of those who
Walked in and out of my life to remind
Me that to be the woman who pushes
You to face the world and tears apart
The bubble you may live in has a price
You can’t be loved but you become
The 3 a.m person who will save lives
Silently and quietly you learn to do
Your part and let them walk away
when the time comes and you smile
Knowing this is how it always ends
I reach out to touch the person staring
From the mirror and a cold settles in
A desperate need to shut out the voices
And the silence breaks as the mirror falls
Looking down at the broken pieces tainted
With blood and a smile makes its way
On my face ‘perfect’ I think as I feel
Just as the pieces scattered on the floor