Dead Words

So much of what we want
Goes unsaid between empty
Spaces making the distance
Longer than it needs to be
All the “I love yous’” swallowed
Too scared of rejection we let
The aching hollowness to grow
Inside our chest locking the words
We shut off the inner voice harshly
Our hearts burdened under weight
We choke and stumble around
Never an “I’m sorry” letting our
Pride win over relationships we
Keep losing people slowly till one
Day the road mirrors a graveyard
Thank yous” squashed under feet
We drive people away without
Realizing we are digging our holes
Only to wake up one day and be
Alone and numb from the inside
With regrets and what-ifs that tear
Us up by the burdens we carry
Till we pick a pen and bleed our
Hearts away letting the dead words
Out filling the voids and aches never
Heard before to let the world glimpse
The burdens of the silenced words
Hoping someone out there will act
Differently and live fully unlike us

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Midnight musing

As I sit under the open sky
With a foreign heart and eyes
That hold a demon inside
I watch the dark duvet above me
Decorated with little pearls
I feel it envelope me in it’s warmth
And take away all my worries
Those little adornments remind me
Of last minute chocolate sprinkles
On my coffee which gives it
The right amount of sweet and
Make my frown turn to smile
The grey spread all over me
Seem to hold so many secrets
That will forever stay safe
There is a stillness in the air that
Builds its pressure around me
As if it’s holding me in place
So that I may not fall or crash
Beneath the noise of the world
With the invisible forces watching over
The burdens I carry are lighter
And I can close my eyes knowing
I’m not alone fighting my battles

liaison amoureuse

Her liaison amoureuse
Fleeting like a glance
perhaps she made him up
In hopes that she may feel
A little more human
From behind a rose tinted glass
But it’s a blizzard inside her
Sharp winds cut through her veins
A twisted smile plays on her lips
The old familiar pain asking
To be let in and take the place
Which was always its
Semblance and order has to prevail
For her to keep the demons under leash
She knows no other way
Weary of people all her life
Sanity, logic and rationale have
Been her bestfriends forever
She lets the familiar pain take over
Closing her eyes to the world
When she comes back
She walks away closing the door
You can see something has changed
The centre of gravity just changed

Disappointments

We as humans will always be disappointed by ourselves by others, the degree of disappointment may differ depending on out attachment level to a certain object (thing/person) but at some point in life every object will disappoint you because it’s natural with our never ending desires and selfish needs. We simultaneously idolize and loathe people who seem to have their shit together who also secretly do the same because they see us just as we do them. Perfected masks and all that’s holy. Only when you get to really know someone the walls crumble and look..they’re just like you blood and flesh and brains and same gazillion expectations.

So normal,  never a thought of giving but always within our own realities and realms of receiving and thus constant disappointments. At the same as we grow as individuals we look back and realize such dumb fucks we were and still are and we keep trying to please ourselves and others, trying to look for some approval. Forgetting all along who we are is what makes us special and different cause everyone has got something in them but because we prefer masks we live in the constant webs of lies we have weaved for us and others.

The vicious cycle of lives we have constructed. How then is it that anyone has the audacity to look at other with fingers pointed when…we all are just same..specks of dust and delusions.

Infinitely inadequate

She stared in the mirror and hated what she saw, she traced her thin long fingers over her heart shaped face; the perfect cheekbones, those sweeping eye lashes just rightly curved over her ocean like eyes. Her lips bruised and torn, reminded her of the many who had walked in and out of her life and she exhaled a quick shaky breath and shook her head.

“Inadequate” the word seem to have found the perfect permanent spot in her head. She forced herself to stare at the stranger in the mirror and feel something for the person staring back, anything but all she felt was emptiness and a dull ache of the beating heart. A dead beating heart. How long, she wondered, how long had it been since she last saw daylight. She wondered what the sun looked like now, did it look brighter today? Did it look shinier now that she wasn’t out stealing its thunder? Was it warmer now that she was inside?

Everything felt cold and dark and just right. Today seemed like a good day to die, she thought and then shook her head in disdain. Every day felt like a good day to die but she was a coward, an insult to everything she believed, she knew how the world looked at her, how men looked at her.

She was all that was pretty and all that was hated. Her whole life was a series of lies, weaved to perfection, one after another. Her lips spoke words men wanted to hear, her fingers traced their bodies inciting them, like places to be explored and cherished. She read them like she read books, she looked at them like she looked at the sky, she was all the dirty little things you couldn’t have.

A hopeless hysterical laugh escaped her throat and her glistening golden locks seemed to dance over her shoulders as her body convulsed. “Inadequate” She snorted. She was what nightmares were made of; She was the ugly hundred years old tree with no leaves yet which refused to fall, the chilling cold winter breeze which tore people apart, the fire that destroyed homes, the last few pages of a diary which nobody wanted to use, the painting which was never bought, the disposable to be thrown off once used.

The shrill voice of the doorbell brought her back to her senses; she looked in the mirror and decided today she would be Cara, yes. What a pretty little name, she mused as she reached for the door knob.