What Ifs

They say an empty mind
Is the devil’s play field or
Something abstract along
Those lines, I wonder as
I keep looking across the
Barren field stretched for
Miles with no end in sight
But I like to take these blind
Mind trips to feel the wheels
Leaving marks on my skulls
As they fabricate stories
What if I had a better face
Would people notice me
And not my crippled leg as
They cringe away in sympathy
And disgust at the disfigured
Deformed mass sticking out
Of my knee with blue and red
Lines running along like art
A biter sweet smile on my face
What if I have had the surgery
And got a prosthetic leg instead
Would I have been less cynical
What if I hadn’t saved the child
That day leaving him in the
Middle of the road amidst traffic
‘You would still have the leg’, I
Hear the voice which I crash
With the violent shake of my
Head and try to breathe normally
What if I had died instead that
Day and with that thought the
Clouds get heavier, thunder roars
The world drowns in my sorrows

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In Retrospect

In retrospect of life
Regrets make way easy
Apologies feel far while
Life feels wasted away
While hope feels like a
Fading shade of sun
Just before it sinks
From view while you
Watch trying to grasp
How much has been
Lost in time ticking
Away in to star dust
And endless memories
Swim across the vision
All a blur, too quick to
Isolate one memory
From another but you
Can almost reach out
And intimately trace the
Fragments surrounding
You in a whirlwind of
People and places and
Words that don’t matter
For it’s too late to go
Back to ‘undo‘ the done
But you can look forward
Drop the bag of weight
Filled with dead people
You carry around and
Reach out to the ones
Standing at the doors
Waiting for you to join
Them on the other side

Prisoner

They’re again making fun of you
Their laughter bounces of wall
You try to turn walk away but
Are rudely thrown in the middle
They surround you like vultures
The closest one calls you a loser
Reminding you of your school
Another one joyfully points out
How lonely you are trapped within
You shut your eyes and ears tightly
Begging and pleading them to stop
They push harder enjoying the pain
Memories of childhood assault you
Tears trickle down your face but
All of them refuse to leave you alone
Your cries fall short on deaf ears
“Stop! Be strong and control them”
A voice screams inside your head
“Don’t be a prisoner to your thoughts
It shakes you up from the inside
“Fight back, don’t listen to the voices”
Failure the one nearest to you lashes
You wince and step back in horror
Desperately wanting to walk out of
The room shrinking by the minute
They know you are claustrophobic
And so they are playing this game
The walls are closing in and your
Body seems to have frozen in time
Eyes fixated on a spot on the wall
“Don’t do this to your self, fight!”
You shake your head violently and
Shut off the voice that had been
Asking you to fight back for your life

The free writing challenge – I

I have been nominated by the cutest little thing, kritika to the free writing challenge, below are the rules for the task:

  1. Open an MS Word document
  2. Set a stop watch or your mobile to 5 minutes or 10 minutes whichever challenge you think you can beat.
  3. You topic is at the foot of this post BUT DO NOT SCROLL DOWN TO SEE IT UNTIL YOU ARE READY WITH A TIMER.
  4. Fill the word doc with as much words as you want. once you began writing do not stop even to turn.
  5. Do not cheat by going back and correcting spellings and grammar with spell check in MS WORD (it is only meant for you to reflect on your own control of sensible thought flow and for you to reflect on your ability to write the right spelling and stick to grammar rules)
  6. You may or may not pay attention to punctuation and capitals. However if you do, it would be best.
  7. At the end of your post write down ‘No. Of words =_____’ so that we would have an idea of how much you can write within the time frame.
  8. Do not forget to copy paste the entire passage on your blog post with a new Topic for your nominees and copy paste these rules with your nominations (at least 5 bloggers).

My word: Reflection

He let out of a sigh as his mind wandered off in that one direction he always wished it wouldn’t. The thoughts of her, always painful yet the most difficult to let go. He knew what he done was wrong, that he had been a coward but he couldn’t bring himself to face her. He remembered how her eyes had brimmed with tears and she had looked confused and lost as he had viciously lashed out at her, blaming her for his failures in life.

“Distraction”, that’s what he had called her, pointing out how her being part of his life kept him from his goals and how he wished she would disappear. As he reflected upon his behavior, he felt more and more weighed down under her pained expression etched across his mind like a vivid memory refusing to go away.

She had quietly walked away, without say a word to him, just wishing him the best of luck with his life and that all she wanted was his happiness and if her being around was being an obstacle to him in anyway, she promised to disappear forever.

It had been a month and he hadn’t heard from her a word from her but in this time he had realized one thing, her importance to him. He kept thinking about her, her laughter and how she was the support system for him in every possible way, when everyone gave up; she stood by him and cheered.

He signed deeply and regretfully, knowing he needed her more than he ever knew and after a little more reflection on his actions, he made up his mind to leave no stone un-turned in finding her.

Time: 9 minutes, 40 Seconds
Word: 288


Now for the nominations:

1. William Leone
2. Izza Ifzal
3. Naima
4. Randstein
5. Arwen

And the word for you guys is, “insane”. Anybody else who is up for the challenge, please feel free to join in 🙂

Forgive yourself

Life hasn’t gone the way
You expected it to go and
There have been mistakes
You wish to erase forever
From your memory like
They never existed so that
moving on would be easy
So listen to the words that
I wish to convey tonight
Telling you that it’s okay
To make mistakes and life
Was never meant to be easy
Perfection is nothing as we
All are flawed, hiding secrets
And mistakes we all regret
You are not alone in your
Battles against yourself at
Midnight as the world sleeps
Forgive yourself and move on
For that’s the first step towards
Making things right for yourself
No matter how deep the pit is
Believe and you will make it out
Just know that you aren’t alone
Each one of us have our baggage
Together we can help each other
To accept the past and open the
New door to life in hope of light

Senses

In this hustle bustle of life
Slow down a little to feel
All the things you ignore
As you rush through it all

Stop to see with your heart
The hope in the eyes of your
Child who you just gave a pat
He wants to make you proud
But you never have time and
He falls asleep each night
Waiting for his dad to be home

Did you listen with your mind
The unsaid words she pushed
Down her throat as you quickly
Gulped down your breakfast
Trying to be not late to work as
She waits for the birthday wish
She knows you always forget

Have you tried to smell the tears
Your aging mother quietly hides
Or you just find her old fashioned
Ignoring the voice telling you to
Stop hurting her before it’s too late
Making you wish you were a better
Son who was there for his mom

You can touch with your smile
The life of those children who
You generously donate to for
Better business image and profits
But have no time to even visit
And see those little children who
Just want to hug and thank-you

Look up and taste the air around you
Reminding you of fragility of life
As it holds blood of innocents and
Cries of the silenced victims who
Never got a chance to live their lives
The air holds finality of last moments
For countless souls whose time was up

So be thankful for the life as it may not
Be there tomorrow, so embrace and
Feel while you can for life isn’t eternal
Don’t wait till all you have is regrets

In rememberance

I remember you even now
As clear as the sky above today
Our late night conversations
Giggling out loud as you tickled me
The shine in your eyes when you
Had to share some exciting news
How you hated sharing your food
Your silence when you got upset
And the ways you made me laugh
The late night movies with pop corns
Getting tired and falling asleep in
Your arms that I loved so much
The way your fingers found my
Favourite spots taking me places
Still so vividly painted in memories
I cherish and hold close to myself
A regretful sigh escapes my lips
As your thoughts rage inside me
My mind makes me feel so alone
But I know you’re happy there
So I know I will learn to live again
For your sake,  I will have to

Favourite Mistake

She was the hope you
Starved for in the perpetual
Madness surrounding you
Consuming you completely
In silence you looked for her
Reaching out blindly calling
Out to her promising words
You never intended to keep
But she fell for them anyway
Deliberately stepped in a trap
You thought was smartly set
But she played along with you
Smiling to herself and you kept
Wondering what kept her happy
Never knowing that the reason
She did it all gladly was you
While it was a dark hunger you
Felt when you thought of her
She was your temporary thing
You were her favorite mistake

Perpetual depression

I drink from the endless pit
Of the perpetual depression
Made from tears of silence
Two spoons of regrets and
A cup of anger buried away
With a pinch of added despair
And a tablespoon of mistakes
It tastes like cigarette smoke
And burned ashes of dreams
I feel the liquid spreading within
Burning my lungs like a fire
Enveloping a forest claiming
Everything that stands in its way
I fall short of breaths and vision
Clouded by the smoke of past
To escape I need to stop drinking
but as everybody else I too am
Addicted to my chosen destruction

What nightmares were made of

Part II of II


She was the calm before the storm
The ominous waves of destruction
The smoke filling up your lungs
Spreading and scarring your body
The hundred year old pale walls
With their paint chipping off and
Crumbling walls holding promises
Her voice reminds you of pain
Loaded on her tongue making you
Wince and step away in disgust
Her eyes seem to be filled with
Stories of regret and bruises you
Don’t want to waste your time on
She is a bag full of past mistakes
She has swallowed more lies than
Papers you can fill in a lifetime
Torn and twisted as her life was
She made one unforgivable mistake
She chose to fall in love with him
Her undoing was his perfection
Her end was in his silence for how
Could she ever reach for the stars
She was what nightmares are made of